So here I fucking am, my 40th year of revolving around the sun and almost 4 1/2 years exactly since I last sliced open my wrist. I’m a single mother now, and since that last attempt, I’ve learned that I can be loved and love another person I made.
As an only child and an adopted Korean American girl growing up in the late 90s and early 2000s in upstate New York, I struggled to find my identity. With a mother who constantly told me that I was unlovable, I grew up believing I was worthless. As I became a young woman, I began to attract boys' attention. However, my deep-seated need for validation led me to put myself in precarious situations where I was often taken advantage of.
Once I discovered the power of being a sexually attractive woman, I learned to use it to my advantage. This power has benefited me in various ways but has also led me to keep my guard up. On an intellectual level, I've known for a long time that I deserve love and that I am not worthless. However, I still struggle to internalize this on an emotional level. I often find myself attracted to individuals who are unable to love me as I deserve, whether due to their narcissism or unresolved childhood issues, which leave them incapable of accepting love.
But all my years of struggle and trauma and being alone turned me into a strong, independent, loving caregiver.
In my 40th year, I am finally making a better choice. I am choosing the person who looked directly at my scars and asked me, “What happened here?” He didn’t run away when I told him the truth.
He was the second person to notice that I struggle to look people in the eyes during intimacy, or at least the second to tell me that they observed it. As I hesitated with bated breaths and confessed, “I’m afraid people will see how sad I am and run away,” I fought back tears. He responded with: “You are safe here.” Hearing that made more tears fall.
I tried to push him away because I still struggle with the idea that I deserve someone who makes me feel safe and comfortable—someone who genuinely wants the chance to love me unconditionally. I'm terrified of being vulnerable with someone who sees my flaws and insecurities but still appreciates my authentic, compassionate heart and intelligent mind. I worry that he might still choose to walk away even if he understands my complexities. At the same time, I'm tired of being alone and constantly feeling like I have to be a strong, independent woman who holds everything together.
Before I became pregnant with my son, I often expressed that I did not want to have children because I believed it was one of the worst things we could do to the planet. While that is true, based on scientific evidence, I realized that I was deeply opposed to having children for more personal reasons. I did not believe I deserved that type of love because of the beliefs my mother instilled in me.
I want to have a family and another child. Even though another pregnancy may take a more significant toll on my body, I’ve watched my friends and acquaintances experience the grief of losing a parent. I don’t want my son to face that grief alone. He is affectionate, and while I strive to teach him that he is always loved, I want him to have a sibling to share that experience with when I’m gone.
I wish to have another child only if I find a partner who loves me completely—a man who is emotionally intelligent and affectionate. And only if our mutual love can naturally create another human being. While I appreciate the advancements in science, if I'm meant to have another child, I trust that life will find a way. I feel that I deserve to know what it’s like to be loved by a family.
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