Living in America is heartbreaking right now.

How is everyone doing?

When people ask me how I am, my reply is always, “I’m surviving.”

I was depressed for most of September. I’ve made friends with my Depression Kitty (fans of “Big Mouth” will get this reference) a long time ago. But she was an overwhelming presence last month. I think she started to become overbearing right at the end of August. (I am also aware of the coincidence that I am wearing a violet palette and Depression Kitty is drawn in the same color palette. I did not create this look to go along with my writing.)

Perhaps it was because my iguana died unexpectedly the second-to-last Friday in August. Four days later, a friend berated and yelled at me for not making more of an effort to return the items I borrowed from him.

Maybe it was because the beautiful, European man, the only one who could silence the chaos in my mind like no other, was in Europe for most of September.

Or, the fact that my son’s father is still drinking and is still unable to financially contribute at least half of what it costs to raise a child. And the truth is that I will never be successful enough in the OF world of smiley, bubbly models, not to worry about paying bills and ensuring my son, my menagerie, and myself are financially secure.

There is no doubt that because I have been pissed off, appalled, and terrified nearly every day since Trump retook office, Depression Kitty was able to lie on my chest for almost every minute that I was not distracted by working out, or by my adorable son.

Anyone with any shred of common sense knew what Trump would do if re-elected. Everything he has done since January 20th has not surprised me in the slightest. It is, however, still terrifying to me. I cannot stop myself from weeping over all the malice he and his administration have inflicted upon the people within America’s borders and abroad.

I cannot ignore the facts that people of color are being racially profiled and dragged out of their homes in the middle of the night. Or, they are killed after dropping their kids off at school and daycare, like Silverio Villegas-Gonzalez was. Or, they disappear after ICE captures them, and their families are left to wonder if they will ever see their loved one again.

**

It has always been difficult for me to play a persona opposite of who I am—a Korean-born, adopted, educated American woman who cares deeply about humanity, justice, freedom, and independence. Someone who has held compassion in her heart since an early age, not just for humanity, but for all species. But I learned a long time ago that empathy is not rewarded, nor is intelligence, especially if you are a woman.

If I decided to create a dumber, superficial version of who I am when I gave up on love and entered into the adult industry a decade ago, I would not be struggling financially as I am today and have been for the majority of the past ten years.

Last year, the friend who berated me reminded me that I could be like some of the women he knows who are making $20-40K a month. My face is more attractive, and I am more composed and intelligent than these other women, but my educated mind and compassionate heart drive men away from me. Even the man who can silence the chaos in my mind told me that intelligence is not the top quality that most men look for in a woman.

But I cannot force myself to smile when I am attuned to the trauma inflicted upon others. I cannot ignore the cries of children and parents being separated from each other just because their native language is not English. I cannot numb myself to the images of starving children in Gaza, or the cries of parents trying to shield their children from gunfire.

It is oftentimes too much for me, and the fact that I carry all of this with me, with no best friend and no partner, whilst being a single mother, is extremely fucking lonely.

But I will continue to be my poor, authentic self because even if I can bring awareness and a little compassion into one person’s life where they might hesitate not to be judgmental asshole the next time they encounter someone who differs from them, then I will know I am teaching my son the values that this current administration does not give a fuck about.