Very few people understand what it’s like to do most of life completely alone and how much harm is done by living with chronic loneliness.

Actually, I started the week with a sinus infection (that I am still fighting off). 😪

Then, my OF account was restricted. It always greatly impacts me because I am the sole provider of my household. But this restriction comes at a terrible time, because my son’s birthday is later this month, and my parents are flying in from upstate New York. I decided we should take K to Legoland because I want to create everlasting memories with him now that he is about to turn 4. Plus, my parents have never been to California, and with them being 79 and 75, I have no idea how many years they have left to fly out West.

I took Tuesday off from the gym because I knew my body could use the rest after sneezing 42-44 times on Monday 🤧, and I needed to run to Costco and vacuum the entire house.

On Wednesday, I only had time to run 3 km. And yesterday, I had a laser appointment across town, and then decided to go to Me ’n Mommy to Be (it’s in the same part of town as Spoiled Aesthetics), which is a second-hand store that I’ve become a patron of since having the child. I sold some items to the store (I am overwhelmed with how much stuff I need to get rid of that my son either hasn’t fit into in years or does not play with 😓), and purchased clothes and shoes for K that he needs for his constantly growing, almost 4-year-old self.

I did not have enough time to go to the gym after I got home yesterday. A few minutes after I unpacked the car and let the dogs out, I went to apply more moisturizer to my face, and Eevee knocked down my cheap Conair LED mirror. She knocked down my Simple Human mirror back in November (I recorded a video pleading for a new one, but never got around to editing it because I have no fucking time! 😩), and I purchased the Conair one at Costco because they were at the front of the store the day I went, after Eevee broke the more expensive mirror.

To achieve and maintain my goal of running 20 km a week, I had to run 15 km today.

I began with cycling 5500 m on the C2 bike because I had to do some tasks on my phone. Then I needed to stretch and work on my mobility before running the 15 km on the Assault Runner Pro, since I was still sore from Monday’s Murph Prep workout. I did that for 35:00, so by the time I ran the 15 km and walked 1 km to cool down (my nose has been running since this morning 😪, and it was 100°F today in Vegas 🥵, so, about every 2000 m, I needed to walk to blow my nose and hydrate), I had just enough time to return home, let out the dogs, and take a 6-minute shower.

I had to return home today because the compost company I use has a partnership with a farm, and they delivered Certified Organic Farm Fresh eggs this afternoon as they picked up the compost bucket. I left out a cooler for the delivery driver to put the eggs in, but I knew I needed to rush home to make space in the fridge before dashing out to pick up the child from daycare.

The trash and recycling bins have to be rolled out to the curb on Friday night because they are picked up on Saturday. I saved myself some time by vacuuming the house yesterday, but I still needed to pick up the dog shit in the backyard, and combine all the trash in the house to take it out. I wanted to do it as soon as I got home from picking up K from daycare because I wanted to relax after making us dinner and finally sitting down.

But, NO!

The dogs just had to get in a fight. As always, Pavlina got the worst of it. I don’t know who started the fight because I was on the other side of the house. But based on what I heard and knowing my pack, I think Branek started barking at Atticus because Branek always barks at him to settle down when he starts to act too rambunctious. Atticus was probably being too much for the Pillow Princess Pavlina, and then she, being the only bitch in the house 🤦🏻‍♀️, always takes it too far, and then pisses off Atticus.

I sprinted from the side of the house after the first growls I heard, and yelled “Nein!” which released Branek from the mix, but he still wants to engage, I think, to both protect me and correct the other dogs.

I was able to break up Pavlina and Atticus without using the leashes since they had their martingale collars on, and by summoning whatever strength I had left after working out for 2.5 hours today.

If any guy criticizes me for doing CrossFit, I am going to fucking say (besides pointing out that he’s obviously insecure 🙄) that I have predominantly been alone in life. Therefore, I need the strength to handle any situation that may arise.

After I separated Pavlina and Atticus, I yelled at both of them, saying, “You’re both too old to be doing this shit!” I told my son to keep his distance, and I sat there on the wet concrete (I tossed the planter full of water onto the dogs because I had to fill up the pool, and the hose was leaking, in an attempt to break up the fight). I had Pavlina grasped in my right hand and Atticus in my left; I gasped for a few breaths after the adrenaline came down, and then I just broke down crying. 😭

***

I am alone in this desert city.

I have no man to snuggle up with,

to feel safe and protected.

I have no best friend to call to vent to.

I do not have another friend

who is a mother.

Specifically, one that is single,

and can empathize

with the mental exhaustion

that comes with raising a child

all on your own.

I have no family who can take my son

when the overwhelm gets the better of me

and I resort back to thinking,

‘Maybe, I shouldn’t be alive anymore?

I continue to struggle so much in life

that I am failing to give my son

what he deserves.

And Love,

True, honest, secure LOVE