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  • nyomistar27

Ugh.

I walked about 4.5 miles and ran just over 6.0 miles to the Golden Gate bridge and back to my hotel.


I listened to Alessia Cara's new album, "This Summer," Tool, Chevelle, and Mahalia's "Love and Compromise" on Tidal.


Eartha Kit's interview on compromise starts Mahalia's album, which is what I needed to hear.


I was in a better mood after exercising until I saw another time waster's email saying he cannot justify paying what I want just to meet for lunch.


If you won't send over the necessary information required for me to verify you, I'll be more than happy to see you at a discounted rate in a public place, just to meet for a meal, or drinks, etc. But I still have to be compensated for my time. I'm still going to take the 2+ hours to get ready for our date. If I'm going to still put the effort in to present myself in the way in which I like to do, you can at least compensate me for my time in doing so.


I just noticed #SuicidePreventionWeek was trending on Twitter and I've been swatting away the thoughts of pulling a Marilyn Monroe soon.


Here's the thing about someone who's tried to off themselves, who is also very practical. You might think, "Uh, Nyomi, killing yourself is not very practical." Well, no shit. But I mean practical in the regard that I look at my life and I'm not adding anything to help this fucked up world. I'm not solving the recycling issue, world hunger, the homeless situation. I'm just another human being who's using a bunch of resources, who tries to recycle everything and anything, and is not producing a child because I know it's the worst fucking thing you can do to the planet. So the thought runs through my head that if I pull a Kurt Cobain, I'll actually be helping the planet. Less time I'm on Earth equals less time I'm trashing the planet.


This is just how my brain works. And when you've tried to commit suicide half a dozen times, it's easy for you to have these thoughts.


Don't worry, everyone, I'm not going to kill myself anytime soon. But these are the thoughts that enter into my head when I'm feeling unwanted. (And I still haven't heard from Harvard Daddy and it's weighing on me).


I've just been dealing with time wasters, scammers, Millennials, and people who don't seem to value me or my time since before I even left for Vancouver. And the tour up there, and here in San Francisco, has just exacerbated these thoughts, along with not having a doggy to cuddle with, or my cats scratching at me for affection.


I'm in between wanting to bawl my eyes out, as I'm about to jump in the shower, or pulverize someone.


I saw a leather flogger (probably why I want to beat someone) I wanted in the sex toy shop I stopped in, on my way back to my hotel. But I couldn't justify spending $125 on it, when it's looking like I barely will net 2K from both these tours.


I did get nipple clamps, however.

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