I still haven’t grieved my cousin yet. I’ve had zero time to mourn. I was focused on the HYROX races this past weekend.
I distracted my grief by staying up until 3:00 - 4:00 watching the “American Manhunt: O.J. Simpson” documentary because revisiting how O.J. nearly severed Nicole’s and Ron’s heads off was just what I wanted to watch to not think about how the closest person I had to a sibling during childhood & adolescence is dead.
My son had to stay home with me today from daycare because he had a mild fever yesterday. I had a laser appointment across town this afternoon, and we also went to the gym to distract me from my grief.
He doesn’t know grief yet. I attempted to explain to him in the car as we left HYROX Friday night what being dead means, and in his sweet little voice, he said, “Aww, I’m sorry, Mommy.” 🥺
But I would not and have not allowed myself to cry the way I need to in front of my son.
I guess the one benefit of having a toxic mother who yelled at me to stop crying after making me feel worthless was that I became an expert at crying silently. Not having a sibling or even a pet to console me taught me that I had to face the darkest parts of life alone.
It does suck to be 40 years old and to be still alone. Yes, at least I have a child and actual living dogs to cry on instead of my old Pound Puppy, but none of them know what grief is.
I know I do not need anyone to comfort me, but it would make the grieving process a little less awful if I just had someone to wrap my arms around.
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