A major flaw that I have is that I easily fall in love. It makes sense though; I’ve been searching for love since I was six.
When the foundation of how you see yourself is that your life is trash, then being an only child and not even have a dog to love, and you’re raped by a boy before you even kiss one, and then you date a lot of not-so-great individuals, you’re going to be fucked up.
I could’ve turned out to be a really hateful person, but instead, I’m someone with a lot of compassion and empathy. I should be more guarded with my feelings, but because I know what it feels like to not be loved and because life is too fucking short, I care and love, usually too intensely, that it scares people. (My intelligence, my physique, my authenticity, my passion— what else can I put on the list of why people are intimidated by me?).
Conversing with friends about my current dating life and they all tell me I need to chill the fuck out. To be patient. Boys are slow when it comes to understanding women, especially the young Millennials, of which I’ve been attracted to lately.
“I have been searching to love and be loved in return for nearly three decades,” is now my response to my friends.
I’m exhausted.
I want to be in love and fuck a cute guy as much as possible (since my libido appears to be like a fourteen-year-old boy lately) and be happy. I’m fucking tired of being sad all the time.
But something in me always switches. The last four men I was interested in, it didn’t take me long to establish that I’m a much better person than they are and probably ever will be. And I’m usually always smarter than the men I’m attracted to, and I do know by now that my partner in life needs to be someone I am constantly learning from, or else I’ll get bored.
I am starting to believe in myself and not always turn to the question of, ‘What the fuck is wrong with me that no one wants to love me?’
Obviously, I still get disappointed and depressed, but I’m tired of people not seeing my worth and the bullshit excuses boys give me for not wanting to be with me.
I wish I had more of a happy childhood, or adolescence, or early adulthood, so then I wouldn’t be so desperate to not be so fucking lonely, but “Patience is a virtue,” my friend reminded me recently, “Not something you possess, yet, but you will.”
I would like to think I’ve been pretty fucking patient when it comes to finding love. But I’ll try to be a little more patient and become more of the woman my best friend would love to see me as, which is a woman completely focused on money and not stupid boys.
I must “Rise above my pussy,” as she told me.
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Fuck love. Love hurts. Love is pain.
