I'm composing this hungover, so let me just preface that. Not excruciatingly hungover, but tired, hungry, and dehydrated hungover.
I'm going to be taking a back seat to the porn industry. I mean, they've had me in the trunk for a while and allow me to pop out now and again, but this is my fourth year in the business and I've only just reached 40K followers on my Twitter account.
No one knows who I am. And clearly, my looks and attitude do not fit the mold. I barely appeal to 68.2% under one standard deviation to the right and left.
This is also my third year in a row where I have not had a single booking during CES. I'm unattractive to the masses. Too opinionated for easily spooked boys and it's really doing a number on my psyche that 175,000 people don't think I'm worth it. Again.
And anyone who is about to chime in and say my rates are too high. Fuck you.
I have worked so hard the past three years since I started going to Camp Rhino. Not only have I improved my physical health, but in the process, I've also improved my mental health. And mainstream porn still has little intrigue in me and therefore the masses do too.
It's insanely frustrating and bewildering to me that someone who spends hours in the gym every week still has not been shot for a workout/fitness themed shoot.
In addition, HardX shot me last year and my photo still has not gone up on their Instagram page. And Amped Asia, a magazine that features beautiful, Asian women, doesn't think I'm hot enough to be placed on their Instagram or in their magazine. (I even had friends who worked for the owner and they still could not get me in).
So there you have it. I keep it real and I go with the evidence. When life tells you, "You're too ugly," you have to accept it. And maybe it's not about my face, but the athletic build that I have now as an Asian woman is clearly not attractive to most. So, fuck it.
My passion is not appealing to most of the population. I learned a while ago that my intelligence and damaged self is never going to. There are very few who comprehend what I have been through and why I am opinionated and as passionate as I am because of it. And only intelligent men are not threatened by me.
But this year I'm going to focus on my creativity. Write more, paint more, create more. I love sex work for independence and money. Obviously the money. But I am severely discouraged that my career has gone nowhere and the hard work I've done and continue to do has gone unnoticed.