I'm feeling pretty fucking depressed right now, honestly. It is a combination of doing poorly here in Vancouver, which partially is my doing (I'll get to that in a different post. I've mentioned it on my public Snapchat).
But it's been four years since I started doing this and being in the porn industry. And somehow I'm still struggling to find clients, find shoots, and pay my bills. I'm smart enough to know it's not because I'm ugly, and I will admit my no-bullshit attitude does not help, but I'm just tired.
It's also a combination that a couple friends have decided to not communicate with me anymore and have decided to ignore me. One of them did not like that I was giving advice to his ex. She asked for my advice and I could sense she was someone who was struggling to know her worth. I tried to convey that they needed to work on themselves as individuals, because he needed to work on himself, too, and that if they improved themselves, then later, if they got back together, their relationship would be that much better. And just because he disagreed with me, he's no longer talking to me.
And the other is the Canadian guy I dated for a moment. I stupidly sent him a few random items he was missing from his kitchen after his divorce, a book, and a couple other things. Did he ever message me to thank me? Nope. And I have not messaged him since shortly after I returned to Vegas from my New York trip. But I know he's been in Vancouver a lot, so I asked him his recommendations on restaurants while I am here. Did he respond back to me? Nope.
This is why I have such difficulty connecting with people and with intimacy. I do not trust people. Those I once considered friends just stop talking to me without an explanation or because they're immature. I know this is on them. I have many friends and the closest ones I have, we can have our differences, yet, we're still friends. But it still hurts though, when the people you thought were going to be around in your life end up disappointing you.
Also, I don't have any of my pets with me. I do need their presence to feel loved and wanted.
And the final factor is, the Harvard man I have been conversing with, I have not been able to talk to because he's been in the hospital. I don't know how he's doing and I'm genuinely concerned for him. And I miss talking to an Alpha man who immediately recognized my eliteness.
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